"There's a special star that shines every evening in your eyes."

Was back at work again today. Can't believe holidays are over! After being back for not even an hour I was already frazzled and feeling like a crazy person. Haha. Good times, teaching is awesome!
Was good to see my little darlings again though and hear all about their holidays. Some of them sure got around, not like their boring teacher.

My student teacher started today, and although it is quite a bit of extra work for me, I am pretty stoked to have her. She seems to be very keen to try everything and so I think it will be a good month having her around. She is teaching her first lesson tomorrow so I am holding thumbs that my class will behave decently so as to give her some extra confidence.

Spent Saturday night with the girls and we had an absolute ball! Making pizza, chatting eating copious amounts of chocolate and almost wetting ourselves with laughter. I have no idea what I would do without those three ladies. So good to have other people who get me and are at the same place in life as me. We had so many hilarious conversation and before we knew it, it was 4am! Man, I wanted to do some work on Sunday to get the last few things ready for today, but going to bed around 5am when I was originally planning on waking up at 6am to get an early start kind of messed that all up.

Then there was also a very nice guy who I spent most of Sunday talking to. We have had a weird thing going for the last few weeks, but in the end we have decided to just let it go, for now at least because we are both at very different places and needing different things.

The guys seem to have really come out of the woodwork in the last week or so. I was talking to Tam today in the staffroom and she exclaimed, "You have met a guy! Haven't you! I knew it!". Haha. Except well, I haven't. There are just a few maybes for once in my life. Typical, instead of just one there seem to be many which just complicates the situation.

Well the friends and I decided that we are still definitely going to do our NYC2010 trip. Basically we are wanting to hit the road in the USA and travel around visiting different places we have always wanted to see. I have been saving for this for a while, so hopefully the others will be able to come up with the money in time, because it would be so much fun with them. We decided we are going to find out the places with the largest amounts of single men within our age range and head to those places only haha. We are convinced we will find something on offer, because we have come to find that all the South African men we know seem to prefer females that actually look like males. If we look at the most popular single girls we know they have no boobs and short hair and no curves whatsoever. Think female swimmer - long, lean, flat, streamline. So we are going to hit the USA with our long hair and boobs and hope for the best. It always seems to work in the movies so this is our plan! haha I kid, I kid.....or do I?
But yes, we are heading over there for a nice holiday! Good times ahead.

"I wonder if you can pick up my accent on the phone, when I call across the country, when I call across the world."

This morning while getting ready for gym I managed to hit myself in the face not once, but twice. I think it was my body trying to protest the only way it knew how.

After gym I was doing some cooling down stretches and my mom walked by the area I was in and smiled at me. I smiled back, but we were not close enough to say hi. Plus I was in the middle of some weird stretch. After I was cooled down I hit the bathroom to wash my hands. I have a bit of a thing about washing my hands after using the equipment. I bumped into my mom there again and she was so surprised to see me. I reminded her that she had just smiled at me 2 minutes earlier and she said she didn't even see me. Nice. My poor mother!

So there are 5 days left of my winter holiday. This is sad news, but I have loved the past 2 weeks. I have SOOOOOO much work to get ready for next term, so I really should start on that today. Really I should. I wish I could convince myself to. I never learn from my procrastination mistakes.

"Grey light, new day leaks through the window. And some old soul song comes on the alarm clock radio."

I bought a new bed on Thursday. It has been one of the best decisions I have made and I am thoroughly in love with it. Who knew sleeping could be so luxurious?


This bed came from a decision that I need to stop feeling like I am constantly in the in-between. I want to stop feeling like I am in the waiting room of my life. Waiting to find out where in the world I am going to end up and with who. What is the point of putting off buying a new bed because I am not sure where I will be in a few months? I never thought I would sleep in a queen sized bed on my own at 25, but I am and I love it.

I decided that I need to stop waiting for something or someone. I need to start living the life I want to live now. Sure, it may only be a bed for now, but this bed symbolises the choice I have made. I am not waiting around any more, putting aspects of my life on hold because of the uncertainty of my future. I am living the way I want even though it may not be the way I have always imagined.

My new bed and I are going to be very happy together.

"And the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace."

They have a lolcat on the login screen at gym. Does that amuse anyone? Not me.

I am irritable today, very.

I need to go grocery shopping today. That is irritating me, because logically I want to lose weight so buying food is irritating me, because even though it is healthy food, it is still calories, which I have to work off again. Also I have to spend money on food, then I have to spend money on gym. It all seems very irrational to me right now.

My phone has run out of money. I need to get some more.

My skin is dry.

Also, my mistake from yesterday, there are NO boy developments in my life. None. Good thing too, because I would probably scare them off with my current mood.

"You're in my arms and all the world is calm."

From Andre Jordan's Blog - A Beautiful Revolution.
Go there now, I love it.

"A life goes by romantic dreams must die. So I bid mine goodbye and never knew so close was waiting, waiting here with you."

Love is neither all heart-break nor all joy. It is what we bring to it that shapes it. Sometimes the end result is a misshapen Picasso and sometimes it takes the form of a starry-night Van Gogh masterpiece, all blue and gold swirling colours that hold us eternally in its majesty and power.

From Ruby Red by Linzi Glass

"Feeling as good as lovers can, you know, yeah we're feeling so good."

I love holidays. It is so nice to just be able to do what I want, when I want, without having work hanging over me. Well I do have a bunch of work to do these holidays but I am not thinking about that for now.

Friday after work the staff went to the local Irish pub for lunch and drinks, a few left and a few stayed for more drink, a few more left and a few stayed. In the end there were just 4 of us. The young ones! 2 guys, 2 girls all night. Man we had so much fun. I think we spent over 10 hours in that place.

Saturday involved meeting The Best Friend for shopping. We shopped up a storm and it seemed to be my lucky day. I walked away with 2 tops, a cardigan, shoes, 3 books, and two presents for people. Then we came back to my place and got ready for a party we were attending. It was Rock and Roll theme and there was also a Guitar Hero World Tour vibe happening. We got into bands of four and they had a room set up with 2 sets and then a different room with another practice set. So while the party was happening there was also this Guitar Hero round-robin thing happening. So much fun. Our band lost horribly, I played the guitar and The Best friend was on drums. We found a random guy to be our singer and Megs was on bass. Haha, we were totally useless.

Monday I went off to meet the Uni friends for our usual holiday get together. We watched The Hangover. I almost wet my pants it was so funny. My morals must be slipping....
So now I am on a quest to visit Vegas ASAP. Then we went out to lunch and did another spot of shopping. I didn't buy anything more, except boring groceries at the end of the day.

Tuesday my brother took me to IMAX to watch Transformers. I let him use my car the day I was meant to go so he promised he would go watch it again with me. 13 minutes before the end just as Sam was plunging the Matrix thing into Optimus Prime the whole thing stopped. A dude came out and explained this had never happened at IMAX before and they could not restart it because they were two separate systems. The sound was on a different hard drive. So they had to reimburse everyone. So my brother got away with taking me to a free movie, lucky bum.

I have been hitting the gym everyday, so I am happy about that. Good to get back into a routine again. Nothing planned for today. I should get some cleaning done and go and buy some food. Sounds like too much of an effort at this stage though.

In boy news there have been some interesting developments but I am not sure about them.

"Oh yes I'm the great pretender. Pretending I'm doing well. My need is such I pretend too much. I'm lonely but no one can tell."

Snippets from my life

• One of my kidlings came up to me on Friday and we had the following heart-breaking conversation: Kidling: Miss P, can I come home with you this weekend please? Me: Oh my darling, I think mom would miss you! Kidling: My mom doesn't love me like you do.
  

• I was told by our school counsellor that I need to stop caring so much about the children in my class. I worry about their well-being and home situations too much. Thing is, that some of those situations are bad, and when I say bad, I mean pretty much the worst things you can think about. I can't do anything more about it than I have already done though. I can't stop caring, I may as well stop breathing.

• I have had a headache the whole day today. That would be because I was with The Parents this morning and I ended up leaving in tears...again. Issues with my dad will never stop it seems because I will never be good enough as long as I continue to do what I do and make the decisions I want instead of the ones he wants. I don't know why I still cry over it. I have no idea how many tears I have wept over this.
  

• I have been carbo-loading like nobody's business today. Oh my hat, I could probably run ten marathons on the reserves I have stored up today. I blame it on my sad emotional state.

• It is Fathers Day tomorrow. I have no clue what to do about that since I know I won't be able to sincerely do anything special after today's horrible words spoken to me. I feel obligated but at the same time I am so over it.

• I had an awesome evening with some of my friends last night. We watched Bride Wars on DVD. Two of them had seen it before but The Best Friend and I hadn't. We decided before the movie started to see which character we were most like. The movie started and Kate Hudson was a lawyer so we all said, "I guess that's you", to The Best Friend and the next scene was Anne Hathaway walking down a hallway as a teacher. We just about wet our pants right there. It was funny at the time...
  

• I love my friends so much, I just wish there were more of them left in SA. Also, I need some new guy friends. Where can I find those?

• I have sent in an email to a special home that looks after abandoned babies here. There are so many babies that parents have had to abandon. I offered my time over my 3 week Winter Holiday that is coming up at the end of this next week. I want to do something worthwhile with my time and loving babies seems like the perfect thing to do. Except for the part where I really do not know much about babies. I have lots of love I need to give away though. They have not contacted me back yet though. I think they normally take on more long-term volunteers. My back-up is packing food parcels for families that have no food, but I would rather love babies. We shall see.

• There are only 5 more school days left this term and then half the school year will be over. Seems like it was just the other day when I was so excited to start it again in January.

"Why can we not be together, why is it we have to part, why did you leave with a stranger, when I am revealing my heart?"

My children were with another teacher for the last lesson today and they get dismissed by her, as I have a free period. A couple of them normally come back to the classroom to see if I am there and to say goodbye to me again, because they are just sweet like that.

One of my boys stays with his dad. His mother lives quite far away, I think he has only seen her once so far this year. She lives in a more rural area, but when the dad got a job here, this boy moved to our school. It was quite a change for him, as our standards are very different to township schools and we expect a lot more from the kids because we have the resources to teach properly. He really battled at first because he was expected to actually do work and behave himself. He has settled in so well now and his English has improved dramatically.

Anyway, at the end of the day I normally get a few hugs from some of the kids in my class. Mainly the boys actually, which is rather strange, as normally boys are too embarrassed at this age for that.

He came to me after school and wrapped his arms tightly around me for a longer than normal hug. He whispered "uMama" to me as he did this. The word for "Mother" in his first language. I was so completely touched by this but at the same time my heart broke for this little boy who is so far away from his own mom.

Everyday I am reminded more and more about how big my job actually is. I am always amazed at how far it extends, and how much more is expected of me that just teaching. In the past few years that I have been teaching, I have had so many amazing moments of realisation. Life is so much bigger than we could ever know and I am continually discovering how our influence extends further than we can imagine.

"Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be what you were. What you were to me in memory."

A bad-for-me boy is smsing me sweet nothings.

Sweet NOTHINGS.

That is exactly what they are. I will not fall for those sweet words. No, I will not. I am a smarter than that.

It is amazing how the simple words, "I miss you." can break down my walls of defence. But when followed by, "When can I see you again?" my brain switches back on and I carefully tuck my heart away into a safe place. That simply is not going to happen bad-for-me boy, so move right along.

"I take a deep breath, smile, kick a stone along the ground. It's been so long since I've been around."

In an effort to put off marking about, oh, I don't know, about 300 test papers and about, uh, 100 books, I am about to present to you my findings from yesterday afternoon's shopping. Because clearly I have the time to be taking photos of what I bought and putting them up here...

Well I went off to buy some groceries and toiletries, you know, the normal boring mundane stuff. I decided to pop into a few other shops as well. Curses! This is why I should just shop at Spar instead of going to an actual shopping centre with actual clothing shops. Oh well, they were all things I needed, well this is what I am telling myself.

I actually also went shopping last week and I found two new maxi dresses. On sale! Yes please! So I will tell you about those first. I am a sucker for maxi dresses. Actually I am a sucker for anything long and flowing. I mainly wear dresses and skirts, because I feel prettier in them and because it is so much easier to look put together, with so little effort.
My morning routine requires less thought - put dress on, put cardigan/shrug on and off I go! Okay well I still put on a dash of make-up, slip on some shoes and try to make my hair look presentable, but you get the gist. Also for some reason the compliments always flow when I wear dresses, and not just from the darlings I teach. I think it is because they suit my body, and well anyone's body really! Tight across the boobs and long and flowing below. You can't really go wrong with that, no matter what you shape is. Wearing dresses in winter here works just as well as in summer, because it really does not get cold, and if it is a bit chilly I just swap the short-sleeved cardigan/shrug for a long-sleeved one, and the sandals for ballet flats.

I have no idea how to really take photos of a maxi dress that is not on a person, as they just look like random shapeless pieces of material, but they look good on!

I would normally never wear white, but this actually just looked so pretty on, especially with the gold thread running through the material. You can't see it in the first photo but it really does give the dress a little something extra.

I know the above photo does that dress no justice. I love the hint of turquoise, and I especially love the zebra print at the bottom. I normally HATE everything and anything animal print, I suppose because I live in Africa and I prefer seeing animal print on actual animals, but for some reason that little touch of zebra charms me.
I wore this dress to work this week and we had to have a photo with the teachers in our grade so I have a photo from that, although without my head obviously. Unfortunately, it was only of our heads so you can't see the full effect.(also that little bit of see-thoroughness you may see was only because of the flash. I hope!)
Okay back to yesterday's shopping now.
I was thinking on Thursday night how I would love a turquoise cardigan. I even googled it to see what I would see on the web. Low and behold I walked into a shop and spotted some that had just been put out. I grabbed one quickly, so happy with it, that I didn't even mind spending costly sum the price tag said. I have decided I would rather pay more for something that doesn't looking shocking after a few washes.
The three-button detail on the sleeve made me rather happy, as did the little dragonfly on the left (you may need to click to see the zoomed-in version)

Then I found something a bit more practical. A black three quarter sleeved shrug. Can you ever go wrong with something like this? Ties right under the bust so works well with my cupboard full of maxi dresses.
I was rather happy when I went to the till and found that the black one was actually marked down. Happy days! I knew then and there I was having a lucky shopping day.

I went on to the next shop and decided to buy some new black ballet flats, because my ones from last winter look a little dead. Yay for cheap Made-in-China shoes!
Then while perusing the accessories I saw some clips I wanted. I really just wanted the gunmetal coloured ones, but when I tried to get them off the rack they all came with and I realised they were a pack. I was bleak as I thought they would be expensive, but they were only 30 bucks. Yes please! Then I got to the till and they were also secretly marked down to R20. Seriously, even the lady at the till did a happy dance with me. She was so excited about my cheap find that she called the other cashiers over to look. She was pretty bummed that she did not have long hair, or else I am pretty sure she would have bought some right then and there.
I was so happy by this stage that I thought I was going to get lucky in Woolworths and find some more 2-for-1 punnets of raspberries. Sadly I was out of luck as they did not have any at all. A brief moment of sadness ensued as I realised raspberry season must be over.

And now I must try to get some work done because who needs a social life really?

"In the end, only kindness matters."

I was at a staff function on Wednesday night and there were a few eats afterwards. After I was done talking with parents I tucked into a samoosa or two. Half an hour later when I got home I was as sick as can be. Food poisoning. Blah. What a terrible night that was. So I think if I was lucky I ended up with 30 minutes of sleep. In my sick and sleep deprived state I thought it would be best to go to work on Thursday morning because I was worried our entire staff would be off sick.
Somehow managed to drive to work. When I got there I was told to go right home. I tried bleakly to protest, because I can be stupid like that. I was worried about my class as they were writing a test and I wanted to be there to read through it with them. They called in a substitute and I went into my room to try and organise a few things for her before I was sent away. I went home and crashed until 3pm and then spent the rest of the day and night wondering if my bed would fit in the bathroom. Charming right?

Anyway, you can't keep me away for long and so even though I still was not 100% I ventured back to work again on Friday. I get there pretty early, normally between 6:45 am and 7:00 am. As I was driving down the school driveway some of my kids saw me and ran to my car to greet me. Ahh yes, that is quite a nice way to start the day. They do this often, but that did it with extra happy faces, taking my marking bag from me and even offering to carry my handbag.

When I walked into the classroom the entire board was filled with lovely messages from my darlings. I wish I had taken a photo! On my desk were a pile of cards and letters they had made for me the day before. Even though I was only gone one day, they went all-out expressing their love and worry. I even got a few cards from the class next door who had missed their Technology lesson with me.

One lesson we can always learn from children is how to love people well:

(Dear Miss P. Please come back, we really miss you. You are the best teacher in the whole wide world! I love you. You are my life and my heart.)

"Poverty stole your golden shoes. It didn't steal your laughter. And heartache came to visit, but I knew it wasn't ever after."

I am pretty excited to start the new work week. I have not really been this excited since the beginning of the year, waiting to meet my new class.

As I mentioned yesterday, our staff went on an excellent private workshop, organised by our school governing body . It was all about stress and anger management. I know a lot of people think teaching is a easy half-day job, but if you are a teacher, or know a teacher, you will know this is so far from the truth. Our Education Department is such a mess it makes us want to give up. We go to meetings held by the Department of Education and they don't even know what they are doing. They try to separate us into subject areas, not even knowing that as Foundation and Intermediate teachers we actually teach both English and Maths and everything else too! We try to get information from them and they can hardly communicate with us in English. Which is fine, it is not their first language, but then they need to send an appropriate representative surely? Anyway, everything is a bit of a mess and they are trying to implement new programmes without the adequate infrastructure which just leads to more paperwork for us, which leads to less time for lesson preparation, which leads to numerous late nights, which in turn leads to poor teaching and lots of stress. To put it mildly.

So this workshop was actually such a blessing. We were not keen to give up our free time and did a bit of grumbling when we heard about it, but in the end I am so thankful for a new perspective on life.

We were taught how to lower our stress levels and given different exercises to help us. We talked about different types of anger and the responses we get when we use them. Out instructor taught us ways to implement these techniques into our classes and use the exact same de-stressing and calming exercises for our children. Some of his ideas were a bit far out, and definitely aimed at a more corporate environment but there was a lot to learn about ourselves and the way we handle stress. As well as all the negative side effects.

So with that I can't wait to get to work tomorrow and have a chat with my class about how we are going to be doing things a little differently. I have never had a class like my current class, and I have not written much about them this year, purely because I have not always come home in the happiest mood. I know that I have been way more stressed this year than ever before and I am not naive enough to think that that does not have a negative effect on them.

I am going to do my best to implement these new strategies right away. They will all be moving places tomorrow and I am going to talk to them about fresh starts and why we will be doing these breathing and muscle exercises. I really want to try my best to implement what I have learnt. I also want to keep my own stress levels in check, because they have not been at a healthy level in the past few weeks. I can't control everything, but there are definitely a few things I can. I do not want my job, something I love, to make me sick, and I do not want it to turn into something I dread because of the stress involved.

Also apparently I need to find a Ficus Benjamin for my classroom as they help make people less stressed. I love having plants in my classroom, so I must head to the nursery soon to try and find one of these. It can't hurt to try things that may help! Although I draw the line at burning lavender and frankincense in my classroom, as was suggested. I'll pass on that one thanks!

"For someone must stand up for what's right. 'Cause there will be a man who has no voice. There ours shall go singing."

Apparently what I am lacking is a four-year plan.

Our staff spent our Saturday at a workshop today. It was excellent, well worth giving up a day out of our weekend. At lunch I was sitting at a table with some of my friends. I am the only single person on our staff, other than a much older lady who is widowed. One of the other teachers who is my age has been living with her boyfriend for a few years now and the topic of marriage came up. Someone asked her if they were going to get married.

She launched into explaining their Four-Year Plan. In the next four years her and her boyfriend are going to get engaged, married, buy a house and have a baby. Wow. In four years I have absolutely no idea what I will be doing, let alone what country I will be in and who I will be with. My future is uncertain. That has an element of excitement to it, for sure. Unending possibilities. It seems very thrilling and exciting, until I start to compare it to what others have and the stability they have. That is always the problem - making comparisons.

As we finished off lunch and were all about to head home, everyone started grouching about small irritations with their families, children, husbands, wives. Having to go back and sort everyone out, responsibilities and so on. I sat there feeling rather bewildered at their apparent lack of gratitude for something I would love to have. I sat there knowing I was going home on my own, to spend the rest of the weekend on my own. Which is fine. I am fine with that. It is not always great being alone, but I am fine with it. I am in an unusual situation at the moment. I have always been surrounded by so many friends - so many that I have never felt lonely, whether I had a boyfriend or not. I have so many people in my life who mean the world to me. It is just unfortunate that in the past few years and especially the past few months they have all left South Africa.

Every single one of them has left, except The Best Friend. I mean I still have my friends from university, and an odd few others, but I rarely see them. I have lots of acquaintances and know a ton of people, but none who can fit that role of someone I consider a true friend. I guess I have been spoiled with awesome friends and that is all I want now. I went to an all-girls high school and had the most amazing group of friends ever. We were so close that even through our years at different universities we remained incredibly tight-knit. People would always marvel at us, our closeness, especially all the random boyfriends (and now husbands!) along the way. And now we are spilt up. Three in the UK, one in Australia, one in Dubai, one in China, one in Cape Town and the last two of us here. Their shoes are hard to fill, even partially. The Best Friend is amazing. She is a super-smart attorney and she is going to go one step further to become a Notary as well, so she is busy studying for that for the next few weeks, which I guess has left me a little lost.

It is quite difficult to be the ones left behind. It makes it harder to move on, start afresh, because that is really what you have to do. I guess it is kind of why I want to leave too, because nothing here is the same - all the people who made up my life aren't here any more. I end up wishing for those relationships I don't have any more. It is difficult to meet new people when you are stuck in old routines.

I know there is a reason that my life is like it is now and I just hope that one day, if I do have those things, that I will remember the time I didn't, and cherish the present with everything I have. I need to start by learning to cherish the present now, no matter what my situation is.

"Fine enough, fine enough. Oh, we ate all of the oranges off the navels of our lovers. Grabbed a book and read the cover."

Ahhh weekend. How I love thee!

Since Friday afternoon I have:

• Had a braai for dinner every single night, courtesy of The Parents. My Gran has been here and she loves braai's so I have been doing dinner with them. Score. My brother went to go buy the meat for tonight, and bless his little fancy-pants soul, he did as he usually does and headed to Woolworths to buy the most expensive meat on the planet, but oh my sainted aunt, it tasted amazing. I think I have had my red meat quotient for about a month or so. I am so full right now.

• Marked 96 Creative Writing tests, 24 Maths Speedwork tests, 24 Comprehensions and I am about to get started on 24 Language tests. I am particularly un-phased about this last set that is awaiting me, probably due to the Vodka, Lime and uhhh water (Lame, I know, but I have to cut calories somewhere and fizziness makes me feel yuck) I have been consuming throughout dinner .

• Received some very serious "You are the one thing missing from making my life complete" sms's from a boy. Unfortunately it is not a boy I like, or can even consider liking, so really it just makes my life more awkward than it already is. This boy keeps asking me out, and I keep ignoring it. He now wants to meet for lunch this week. I tried to remind him that I coach sport after work (and go to gym and then aerobics class at 5:15 pm) so I am not normally home until quite late. He has not given up though. I feel bad.
  If I was only attracted to this boy, then I would finally have someone who loves me the way I want to be loved. Sadly, I can't overlook a couple of things in his life. He does not have it together, or even remotely together. Which is fine, if it happens during a relationship, you would obviously support the guy through it, but before? Ughhh I am a terrible person, but I just can't do it. Too many issues.
  

• Watched a lot of sport. Today started with a bit of Comrades Marathon action this morning. I think I should attempt this race one day. Imagine saying I completed the world's oldest and largest ultramarathon. They have been running it right through my suburb since forever. I wonder if I could maybe walk the 90 km. Because me and running, we don't really go all that well together. I was built for comfort and cuddling, not for speed and running. Then there has also been all this fabulous IPL Cricket action. Love it! Awesome, awesome vibe!

Okay, shower-power time and then hopefully I will still be awake enough to mark some tests!